By KEVIN KAUMANS
Last week, during my meeting with Northwestern News, I was eating crunchy peanut butter out of the bowl. I had not had supper yet, and was desperate for anything to cure my hunger. As I was still eating, Dr. Armstrong turned to me and asked me what I would be writing for next week. Now, my original plan was to talk about why protagonists in literature in the post-modern era are so different from protagonists in old literature.
But as I was eating my unusual meal, I got an idea; as a child, I did not have that many friends in the small town of Kiowa. Sure, I got along with my classmates. But I went to a school twenty minutes away from town, and my mom did not know any of their parents, so it was not like I could just ask to stay over at their house.
Anyway, the point is, I did not have much social interaction outside of school. Because of this, one of my only sources of entertainment was television. Looking back on it, it got me thinking: Foods in fiction are nothing short of strange.
One of the cartoons I used to watch as a kid was “Regular Show”. It is an absurdist show with even more absurd characters, if you were to ask me to explain it. One of the episodes, I recall, introduced a food item called the Every Beef Burrito. The burrito is said to contain over 27 types of meats, including exotic ones like alligator and ostrich.
Another weird food item I remember from my childhood is the everlasting gobstopper from “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.” In theory, the candy was supposed to be something for children with not a lot of money.
It can change flavor and never gets smaller no matter how long you chew it for. Of course, the science behind such a candy is absurd. Nonetheless, it is an interesting concept for a mythical candy.
Honestly, I find it inspiring, all the creative ways authors come up with strange foods in the culinary culture of the world they create. Whether it is Lembas Bread from the elves, or the Senzu Beans Goku and his friends love to eat, some of the most random food names in pop culture come from these books and shows.
At the end of the day, whether it is a fantasy world, a cartoon world or a world that mirrors our own in some way, I encourage authors to be as creative as possible with their food creations.
Do not be afraid to be strange. Do not be afraid to be outlandish. This life we humans live is short.
Sometimes life can be stressful. Sometimes it can be depressing. Fiction helps us escape from it. Most people are not going to pick up something they know to be make-believe and expect it to be realistic. Have fun with your world, whether it be food or otherwise.
Dear Diary: She turned me down hard
By KEVIN KAUMANS
Continued from Jan. 22
I got turned down. Hard. She was nice about it, of course. That is something I can admire about Sa-rang.
She was always nice, even to those that don’t deserve it. She then proceeded to excuse herself to the bathroom. I didn’t see her for the rest of the night.
I took me nearly three hours to get a ride home. My phone died and my card was almost maxed out. I eventually ended up getting a ride home from a hippie named Dan.
When we got into his car, it took him like 30 minutes to start it. I then had to endure a hundred different detours because he kept picking up his friends and dropping them off a thousand miles away from my apartment.
When we finally did get to my apartment, I was so tired that I thought I was going to pass out on the stairs.
When I got to my room, I checked my laptop to see if it would work. Of course, it crashed like usual, and I ended up chucking it out of the window. I’m probably going to get a fine for littering again.
Oh well, it’s not like I care anymore. Everything I once held dear had already been lost long before I ever met Sa-rang. May my nights forever be cold….or whatever it is that one guy says.
Point is, I kind of knew it would end up with me getting turned down.
To be honest, I can not even remember what it is I even found so attractive about her in the first place. I guess I was just more in love with the idea of her.
Everything is fading. I’m gonna go to bed. I’ll probably chuck this jounral in the river when I wake up tomorrow.
December 18
It has been over a month since I last wrote in this journal. I wish I could say that my life has turned out well.
I work fifty hours a week at a job I could not care less about. I sometimes steal fries from the machine before it finishes.
I am constantly stressed, I do not get any sleep. I am constantly killing myself with caffeine.
But I will say this: Despite all of this, I do not blame Sa-rang for how I turned out.
I blame myself. I do not really have much else to say. I wish there was a happy ending to this story, but hey, at least I am still alive. That’s good, right?