By CHRIS PUNTO
Columnist
So I know this is supposed to be an opinion or whatever but this is more of a fact I want to share with you all. I’m not going to give you any sources or write them down in APA format because of the two of you that actually read my articles, only one of you is my English professor. It has recently come to my attention that women out there are of the opinion that if they lift heavy weights, they will become “bulky,” to quote the apple of my eye. I’m going to need you all to read the following statement more than once:
If girls lift weights, they will not get bulky.
Mind-blowing stuff, right? I know, but let me walk you through it. When a woman lifts weights, this creates micro-tears in her muscles. Micro-tears sound bad but it’s actually nature’s way of improving your body. Micro-tears are why you get sore. Now in men, these micro-tears are filled in with a lot of protein and other nutrients synthesized by testosterone. Here is where it gets interesting. Women do not have testosterone, nor the massive amounts of protein that we have to create massive amounts of muscle. Instead, the micro-tears are filled with little amounts of protein and made denser.
That last paragraph was just a lot of mumbo-jumbo science stuff that no one really cares about. The main point is as follows. If you are a woman and you are lifting heavy weights, this will not make you buff. Lifting will make you tone. I know what you are thinking now, though. “But Chris, what about those big bodybuilding women?” Those women, who could beat me up with one arm and blindfolded, eat so much that it’s ridiculous. Women who body build have to constantly be eating lean foods to get the insane amounts of protein that it takes to compensate for their lack of testosterone.
So here’s the deal: If any of you women out there decide to trust me and my gibberish that my editor keeps letting me write, start lifting, and if you start to get bulky, stop lifting. The muscle will go away if you don’t keep working it. Before you stop lifting though, you can come punch me with your newly massive arms for leading you astray.