By CODY RADER
Student Writer
If at any point you’ve found yourself in the middle of a first date and the thought of bailing out through a bathroom window has crossed your mind, then this is for you, bros.
Dating stories are usually from the female perspective, typically trying to figure out what is going through the male’s head while over analyzing every motion and word. But have they ever stopped and considered that the guy is just looking for an eject button for the fastest way out of this downward spiraling date? In lieu of the upcoming Valentine’s Day desperation dates, here are a few options to ensure that there will NOT be a second.
The first step is identifying the problem and determining to what extreme you are dealing with. If it is just a personal preference issue, whether it be physical or you just don’t click; be classy and finish the date, part ways, and never contact her again as any respectable man would. However, if at any point you realize what a terrible mistake you’ve made and that it’s likely she may have escaped from the mental institution, then you have a real dilemma and must act accordingly.
On a scale of one to ten, access your risk. A one on the scale would be a simple lack of interest. A ten would be serious fear for your physical well-being and that chick is concealing her butter knife to go psycho on the girl the smiled at you from across the room.
For girls one to three: Suck it up and finish strong. She may have compatible friends so don’t make a jerk of yourself, (or do, depending on the degree). Here are your choices: 1. Maybe use the words “sis, pall or buddy” to get the point across that you aren’t interested. 2. Maybe repeat every third word you say. 3. Don’t look at her, but rather focus on your phone the entire date. 4. Perhaps back-handed compliments might be effective i.e. “I like the way you do your hair, it really takes attention away from your nose.” Whatever you do, do your best not to lead her on or you may have the homeless puppy effect and you’ll never get rid of her.
For girls four to six: You are starting to recognize that you have started down the wrong path. She has named your four kids (two girls and a boy, plus one surprise) and there are implications of having a cat…or multiple cats. She orders the most expensive thing on the menu and you know she expects you to pay for every bit of those two bites she ate. You don’t see yourself going to plays of her choice or attending farmer’s markets any time soon so you have made wise the decision to leave this one as a memory. Your options? 1. Feed imaginary guests at your table. 2. Talk about your ex fondly and consistently compare and contrast. 3. Ask to see her phone and nonchalantly delete your phone number from her contacts. 4. It may be appropriate to resort to obnoxiousness and possibly hitting on the waitress. 5. If she’s more of a six than a four, make her pick up the tab for that expensive meal and maybe chip in for gas.
For girls seven to nine: These are the girls that your mother warned you about. The ones that bring men to ruin in a matter of weeks. Your friends will hate you if you don’t already hate yourself at this point. There are many different characteristics of crazy but you’ll know her when you see her. There is something in her eye that screams to your subconscious that there are no good outcomes from continuing on with the evening. You’re devising plans in your mind to give her number to your enemies while at the same time trying to remember if that fore-mentioned bathroom window could be your golden ticket. Frankly, either are reasonable options, however, this may be one of those times when you might want the evening to play out for better stories and this is the type of situation that could allow you to one-up your friends for life. If that option is not for you, you may have to get creative here because she may be desperate enough to put up with your games. If at this point you’ve run out of sudden ideas, it’s time to step it up. Think along these lines or even use this example: Get up and leave stating that you have to go pick up your wife from the hospital after having your third child. This also works best if you happen to have a ring in your pocket to slip on to sell the deal.
Let’s be honest, there is a very slim chance you’ll end up with a ten unless you are carousing the halls of a psych ward with a box of chocolates and a dozen roses. But in the case you find yourself on a date with a potential plot for a Lifetime channel movie: be careful, don’t make loud noises or sudden movements. If she knows where you live you are out of luck, but if she doesn’t, you better make your way to the nearest exit and change your identity just in case. On second thought you better stay. If she slipped past your radar when you were screening for crazy or your senses were numbed with desperation, then you deserve what you are in. Have a nice marriage and an Elvis theme wedding in Vegas.