by Michael Schoeneich, Columnist
I, Michael Schoeneich, declare this document the “‘Hydration Proclamation.’”
Students of NWOSU, citizens of Alva, residents of Oklahoma, people of the world and entities of the universe alike, listen up.
Grapes are 90% water. That’s right, 90%.
Do you know what happens to a grape when it is deprived of succulent moisture? Correct again, it dries out. Becoming a shell of what it formerly was, so plump, so sweet, into a bitter, downright putrid snack that even children refuse to enjoy.
So, audience, what will happen to you if you withhold yourself of the replenishing and delicious beverage that is water? Well, you might end up like the horrid raisin. Half a gallon is not too much to request my peers consume a day.
To put the amount into true perspective, it takes just eight glasses of water to hydrate your body, and your body shall thank you, I guarantee. Two 32-ounce cups from any convenience store, maybe even filling that fancy YETI Rambler you bought twice and taking a swig from the nearest fountain would do the trick.
It’s not as hard as applying for a student loan, it definitely doesn’t cost as much either. So I, personally, ask you, my peers, will you be raisin-ified? Or will you remain a beautiful grape?
I know I intend to keep my hydration up, and I not only request, but I demand you do the exact same.