by Mckayla Holson, Editorial Editor
“I don’t know much about God.”
“I don’t know much about dinosaurs.”
And so begins the adventure of Carol and Doug in “The Velocipastor.”
First of all, if you don’t like cheap, cheesy movies then this isn’t something for you. It’s low budget and ridiculous, which is why I enjoy it.
The movie was given a 5.7/10 rating on IMBD and I would rate it 3 out of 5. While I did enjoy it, I’ve seen similar movies that were better.
Examples being “Piranhaconda,” “Planet of the Sharks,” “Inhumanwich” and, yes, the “Sharknado” movies.
At the beginning of “The Velocipastor,” the main character Doug, who is a pastor, is preaching a sermon and his parents die shortly after in a fiery car explosion.
What is amazing about this scene is that the parents and their car just poof away and the shot is the empty street with “VFX Car Explosion” written across the screen.
Yes it’s dumb, but I LOVE dumb movies like this.
Doug is obviously upset and the other pastor, and his mentor, suggests he goes on a trip to help recover.
Doug ends up going to “China”, which is really just a wooded area with the word “China” written across the screen, and ends up bumping into a woman who gives him what looks like a tooth. The woman tries to tell the man to destroy the item, but the language barrier causes confusion and she dies from an arrow wound.
Doug then accidently cuts his hand on the item and he becomes a “Dragon Heart Warrior”, which doesn’t make any sense to me because he transforms into a dinosaur, not a dragon.
He ends up killing people who are trying to hurt a prostitute, Carol, while he is transformed and he wakes up the next day in her bed, unsure of what happened the night before.
Doug tries to continue life as he knows it, but he loses his temper after listening to the confessions of the Carol’s pimp and ends up killing him.
After learning this, Carol convinces Doug to use his newfound powers to take down bad guys. This leads him back to China where the two work together to take down what is basically a drug cartel… Ran by ninjas…
Overall, it wasn’t the best bad movie I’ve seen, but it made me laugh so it’s pretty good in my book. If you can’t handle, enjoy and appreciate low-budget, poor quality movies, then this isn’t the movie for you.