by Michelle Willson, Editor-in-Chief
This week’s topic is going to be a little different. I have anxiety and depression…If you do not have it or if you have not had someone close experience it, you probably don’t know how out of control it can feel. I will give you a few examples of things I have gone through to help you understand what those around you might be going through.
Recently my mental state has gone downhill. I was sick for about two weeks and I had awful headaches, which made it hard to do my online classes because staring at a computer screen made the Headaches worse. So I fell behind in those classes and any neurotypical (those with no mental illnesses) would have emailed their teachers, told them what was happening and then caught up when they felt better…I didn’t. I tried to struggle through them, a week in I finally got up the courage to message my teachers and when I started to feel better, I looked at all the homework that had been piled up and I just could not. It is overwhelming to see how much I am behind but that is only one struggle.
I do not go to the café by myself and rarely will I go to Walmart by myself because I start to hyperventilate and I have not been able to grasp my anxiety. When I go on trips and other people are driving, I am constantly on edge when we get out of the car because I am worried they will leave without me. Therefore, if separated from my group in Walmart I am calling and texting trying to figure out where they are so I am not left. In the instance, I am left at Walmart, I know I could just walk back to the dorms but my brain goes into panic mode and I lose all rationality.
I have a weird relationship with food and I always have. Just recently though I have caught my brain doing something weird. Every morning I have cereal and coffee, but if I have not done something, productive throughout the morning my brain tells me I cannot eat. It is as if I do not deserve to eat because I have not done enough. When I realize that this is happening I can shut it up and eat but sometimes it is two hours after normal lunchtime and I realize that I have not ate because my brain just edits any thoughts of food out. Thankfully, I have a roommate that understands and will text me reminding me to eat during meal times.
Last example, I do not expose myself too much. I have convinced myself that my mental illnesses are not that bad…but last week I realized how badly wired my brain is. I ordered my anxiety medicine on Monday because I knew I would be out halfway through the week. Like a normal adult, I took my last dose Wednesday night. Thursday came around and I forgot to go to Walmart and pick it up. I googled my medicine to make sure that would be okay and every site said it would be fine just take it as soon as you can. So I did I got there when they opened on Friday and took it as soon as I got to the car. Good? The story should stop there. All Friday I was in an awful mood “How could I have forgotten” “Who is allowing me to be an adult” “I am a complete failure” It took me the whole day to convince myself that It was okay and everyone forgets things once in a while. There is no reason to think that I am a failure because I missed picking up my medicine by one day.
I am not writing this to make you feel sorry for me. I just want to show you what could be going on in someone’s head maybe it is not transparently reflected on the outside. Do not try to tell people to calm down, to try harder or to stop overreacting because sometimes they really cannot. When I start to panic, I lose any rational thoughts. My brain really thinks that whatever it is worried about is the end of the world or that I will physically die because it. Thankfully, I am becoming more aware of when my brain is misfiring so I can counteract it but I still struggle with it quite a bit.