By NATALIE SACKET & CHRIS PUNTO
Columnists
Grab the whips and your chains, it’s time to watch everyone’s favorite porno book turned movie:
“50 Shades of Grey” (2015)
Natalie’s Review-
0 whips out of 5
Don’t go watch “Fifty Shades of Grey.” If you do choose to ignore my advice, however, learn from my mistake and do NOT go watch this film with your brother and your boyfriend. You will feel very uncomfortable. Fifty shades of grey? More like the fifty thousand shades of red your face will experience during this film.
“Fifty Shades of Grey” is a mediocre soft-porn film with a terrible script and an even worse story line. The actors appeared highly uncomfortable with each other (wonder why), and as a result I felt uncomfortable watching this “romance” develop.
The ONLY upside I can think of with this film is that you can talk through the entirety of it and not miss any of the “plot.” The dialogue adds THAT little to the film. Not to mention the frequent sex scenes delay any plot development there might actually be.
What warrants me giving absolutely zero stars out of five, however, is not that this is a terrible film all-around. It is that “Fifty Shades of Grey” promotes several highly terrible ideologies. For one, it promotes the idea that a man following you around, tapping your phone, trying to buy your sexual favors with fancy gifts, controlling you and beating you is okay, as long as he’s cute and has a six pack of abs. If Christian Grey was a less attractive man with missing teeth and bad breath, and the soundtrack was replaced with that of a horror movie, this could easily be a thriller movie about a psychopath who stalks and beats girls. This film promotes and romanticizes a highly unhealthy relationship, painting it like the greatest romance since “The Notebook.”
This film also promotes the idea that a desirable woman should be meek, mild mannered, and wholly submissive. OKAY. Why don’t we just knock our society down a few notches and travel back to the 1800s, where women were hardly considered living individuals. I’ll go grab my apron and prepare my child-bearing hips. Let me just go drop out of college. I’m sure Susan B. Anthony would be THRILLED. It’s an infuriating concept, and one that does not deserve screen time… Especially such glorified screen time.
Bottom Line: I could vent about the atrocities of this film for another 200 paragraphs, but I’ll climb off of my soap box. Go read “Pride and Prejudice”; it’s a much better romance and Mr. Darcy won’t take a whip to you.
Chris’ Review-
0 blindfolds out of 5
This week we decided to awaken our inner goddesses and watch “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Too bad Natalie’s inner goddess is a fat chick sitting on the couch playing video games and scratching her belly. Needless to say this movie didn’t make the land beast budge. So “Fifty Shades of Grey” has a lot of controversy around it but despite all the whispers, people are still curious. Well I’m here to set the record straight. There is nothing to be curious about. The movie was awful. Before I get carried away and end up giving you 50 reasons not to watch this film, I’ll stick with five.
The acting was subpar. For a movie that is supposed to invoke sexuality, the characters didn’t even invoke a smile. Despite all the rumors of who would portray the rope-crossed lovers, the roles ended up going to actors who were less than famous and whose careers will probably peak with this catastrophe. The characters could have also been more attractive. I don’t want to be too crude, but I think we all know what I’m saying.
Up next on my reasons to hate this movie was the overuse of the color grey. We get it. The movie is titled “Fifty Shades of Grey.” You don’t need to shove it in our faces.
My next reason is something that I really can’t be that mad about. The movie was 50 percent sex. I knew that going into the movie and I knew that when the book came out. That doesn’t mean I can’t dislike it though.
Number four is an issue that my colleague will discuss further, but I did not like the dynamic of the relationship. I would agree with the critics that title the romance a luxurious brand of domestic abuse. Just because it’s kinky doesn’t mean it’s OK. It’s still abuse.
Lastly, the amount of drama in this film is absurd. I know that a lot of teenage girls are like, “omg that was so sad.” But is it really? They were melodramatic about the whole ordeal. “Love me.” “You can’t love me.” The movie even makes fun of itself in that regard. “Punish me.” “Don’t touch me!” Bleh. Gag me. (No pun intended).
Bottom line: if you read the book and melted from the inside out, go ahead and watch this movie. If you are on the fence about it, you should probably just steer clear. There are better things to watch on the Internet for free.